Sisters, if you plan on getting married someday and even if you don’t, you should NOT have a male best friend.
I just edited a wedding where one of the bride’s three speech-givers was a single man who apparently was her best friend since he was nineteen. They’re in their thirties now.
It was quite uncomfortable watching the groom feign comfort while bestie gave a speech that sounded like something out of a rom-com–a rom-com where the life-long best friend actually doesn’t end up with the girl. It was pretty awkward witnessing bestie tear up and say he knows what it means to wait for a love like she found because he waited for a love, err, a best friend–aka her–for nineteen years. And he wasn’t gay.
Sisters, the bible records God saying in the beginning: “it is not good for man to be alone, I will make a helper suitable for him.” And then God brings the woman to the man and they get married.
They aren’t two heterosexuals who share a pleasant, platonic, intimate friendship for years and then go marry someone else and continue to maintain their intimate relationship with one another. That’s almost like three people becoming one. Take it back to the bride I mentioned earlier. When she and hubby get into fights, you don’t think the enemy can tempt her with her single, guy best friend? How many adulterous relationships begin with a friendship that then becomes more and more intimate over time?
When we are hurt and vulnerable, those emotions can easily be used against our marriage when we are sharing them with a man, and not just any man, but one we trust and feel comfortable and safe with, let alone one we deem a best friend. That is the perfect foundation for an affair.
Call me old school or archaic in mindset, but we human beings, especially we emotional women, are imperfect and suceptible to sin. We are not immune to temptation, and there is wisdom in the bible verses that tell us to flee youthful lusts and run from temptation. It also says God will give us an escape from tempting situations.
But if you allow yourself to become best friends with a man, you aren’t escaping temptation, you’re entertaining it and giving the enemy one more weapon to use against you in your current or future marriage.
Your spouse should be the only opposite-sex best friend you have. He should be the only earthly man you run to for a listening ear and comfort (besides your dad). And if you don’t have a dad or dad figure, then come to Christ all the more with your pain and concerns. Don’t seek a male best friend. You already have one in Christ and you should save that intimate closeness for your husband.
You know how many guy best friends I had in high school who really liked me? Sure, I didn’t like them, but there were times I considered giving them a try and a few I even kissed. This is not to say you can’t have guy friends period. You can have guy friends, but this is about having a best friend and having a special set-apart intimacy with a man who isn’t your husband. I have good guy friends myself. This is more about guarding your heart and being mindful of others’ hearts as well, not walking in dread of relationships with the opposite sex, but practicing wisdom in those relationships.
So guard your heart. There is something engrained in our design that longs for intimacy with the opposite sex: it’s why even many women have homosexual men as best friends. We desire male companionship, to be close to a man because God intended to use that as one of the things that draw us to marriage.
We want life-long friendship with someone of the opposite sex, to be side-by-side and help one another, and that naturally develops into more and more until we enjoy all of each other via what the world calls “sex” and what God calls “knowing.”
This oneness is only designed to be enjoyed in the context of marriage because it is a profound picture of a most intimate spiritual truth: when we deny ourselves, turn from our sin, and trust Christ, He puts His Spirit within us and becomes one with us, as He is one with God the Father. Then we know Him in the most intimate way we can experience on this earth until heaven because He lives in us and remains with us forever and teaches us and guides us and reveals Himself to us as we grow in our relationship with Him.
Such close friendship between a man and woman is a beautiful thing, but don’t share it until you are engaged to the man God has confirmed He desires to be yours.
You may be thinking: Giiiirrrllll, what are you talking about?
Allow me to explain. I just read:
“I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible. But if a man thinks that he’s treating his fiancée improperly and will inevitably give in to his passion, let him marry her as he wishes. It is not a sin. But if he has decided firmly not to marry and there is no urgency and he can control his passion, he does well not to marry. So the person who marries his fiancée does well, and the person who doesn’t marry does even better. A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. If her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but only if he loves the Lord. But in my opinion it would be better for her to stay single, and I think I am giving you counsel from God’s Spirit when I say this.”-1 Corinthians 7:32-40 NLT
Single sister, do you believe this? If not, what idea about marriage is preventing you?
Ask yourself. Is it the desire for a special romance? The sense of being wanted? Feeling beautiful?
These desires aren’t necessarily evil, but they can be selfish and misplaced. Do you know these longings can be satisfied by Jesus? Do you believe that? If you don’t, then you haven’t experienced Him fulfilling those needs yet. And He can. Nothing is too difficult for Him and He actually desires to! He desires you.
Do you know that He designed you, weaved you together while you were created in your mother’s womb?
When no one had yet to lay eyes on you, His eyes were on you. He literally was forming you. And even beyond growing your body from a fertilized “egg” to a human body with limbs and a brain, He was giving you specific personality traits that would aid in accomplishing His will for you.
You Then He breathed on you. Literally breathed His own breath of life into you and with that breath, gave you an eternal spirit. That spirit remained with you from the moment He gave you life in the womb onward.
Your unique, everlasting spirit reminds you there’s more to life, that there is a hereafter. That there’s something, someone bigger than you out there. It’s a “God-shaped” hole that can only be filled by the One who gave it to you.
He is a romantic God. He is the Creator of love. Not Hollywood. Not man. The bible says God Himself is love. Love started with Him and it comes from Him.
He is the first to rescue a man and a woman in distress. He is the Savior. He is a Prince. He is a King. He is a Father. He is a Husband. The bible says all of this about Him.
So if you believe the bible is true, then choose to believe He is these things for you. Ask Him to show you He is. Ask Him to help you believe this. If there is one thing I’ve learned from my eight years of following Jesus is that He hears and answers.
Don’t let the devil distract you with the cheap counterfeit version of Love Himself through romance novels and films, or your girlfriends’ relationships and flings.
Open your bible, go to the New Testament and let Jesus show you what real love looks like and how much He loves you.
If you give Him a chance to woo you, you will become ever stronger, and more confident and content in your relationship with Him and His love for you. Then you won’t be so down about your singleness. You wil have joy despite it. He did that for me and He can do that for you.
I recently watched a video from a sister I believe was well-intentioned. She was offering advice to single women on how to “manifest their godly man,” i.e., their future husbands. Her advice included things you could do and certain types of “energy” you can put out there to “attract” a godly man.
There’s several things wrong with her advice. For one, energy is super new age and it’s arbitrary and I think she’s definitely misusing the term by trying to fit it into a biblical context. It’s not about energy, it’s about God’s will and your obedience. Period. I’ll expound on that in a moment.
She mentioned how being the most confident woman in the room can attract your godly man, and how you want a man with “swag.” Here’s what she didn’t realize she actually did: she created a straw-man of what a godly guy is. She put all of God’s sons into a box that fit HER type and is trying to use what worked for HER in getting HER man for YOU and YOUR future man. But not every man exudes “swag” which, in my opinion, can be anything from cockiness, to worldliness, to being fashionable, or metro-sexual.
Not every man of God has “swag” and not every woman of God likes “swag.” Some women of God like farmer-types, or biker-types, or geeky-types, which, even types shouldn’t matter as much as his godly character should.
Not every man is attracted to super confident, out there, loud or whatever she means by “the most confident woman in the room.” Some men are drawn to quiet, mysterious women. Some men are attracted to a woman who doesn’t even realize how beautiful she is. Some men like the Ruths who are sweaty and dirty, serving the Lord out on the ministry field. You don’t have to do X,Y,Z methods, or change your personality and appearance to attract a godly husband.
“Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.”-Proverbs 31:30
I have met married women who are so humble, so gentle, and certainly don’t come across as “the most confident woman in the room,” and their husbands ADORE them.
So if you are not supremely confident, or extroverted, don’t beat yourself up or think you’re doing the wrong things and that’s why no man has noticed you.
What if you haven’t received a godly husband yet because you haven’t attained “godliness with contentment?” Or haven’t been faithful with the little God has given you, so He is waiting until your faithful to give you more (a husband and a family)? Or what if God prefers you to be single?
At the end of the day, the most important thing is just being content in Christ alone–your Spiritual Husband–before receiving an earthly husband. Because if you aren’t content with Christ, what makes you think you’ll be content with an imperfect, broken son of His?
My advice: learn to be content and thankful. Don’t covet what you don’t have, but be grateful for all that you do have. Be open to God’s will and whether He wants you to be married or not, always remember:
“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”-Romans 12:2
I LOVE this man. No, I don’t know him personally, but ladiessssss, he just killed this point (in a good way): “We keep telling the Christian women to wait and not telling the Christian men to pursue! If you plan to lead in marriage, lead in the pursuit!”
Trust me sisters, this is a worthy watch! He has some GREAT advice! Hopefully, the men watch this, too.
Did you watch it? Tell me what you thought of his advice in a comment.
What if Jesus spoke to you and said, “Daughter, you are free to marry a son of mine, but My plan for you is to be single so you can serve Me without distraction, and if you take up this cross, I will be able to use you more in bringing many to Myself.” What would you choose?
Sometimes, we believe the lie that we NEED a husband. As daughters of God, we don’t NEED anyone, but Him.
The woman caught in adultery and the woman at the well thought they needed validation and affection from a man, but after their encounter with the Perfect God-Man, Jesus, they focused on following Him. Many of the women who followed Jesus appeared to be single, including Mary Magdalene. Did she marry after His death? I don’t know. But given the testimony about her, and her witness in Scripture, I won’t be surprised if she never did marry. Yet, she is forever recorded in history as a faithful follower of Jesus who loved Him and was worthy to be remembered throughout all of the ages.
Now some may be thinking, “Easy for you to say, you’re happily married!” But I know it’s possible, because I know a modern-day Mary, my sister, Natalia. She has been divorced for almost seven years, and has been single and celibate for five years. I mean, she has not dated ANYONE in five years. And so you know, the picture of the woman for this blog post is her. She is beautiful, inside and out, and would be an incredible wife to any godly man, but she is content. She has moments of desiring a husband, but they’re just moments. It isn’t something she thinks about or prays about all the time. And did I mention she’s thirty-two?
What is my sister’s greatest desire? To serve God. She wants to use her gifts for Him, for her Heavenly Husband. And she is content with that because she has experienced Him as intimately as I experience and know my own husband. Jesus’ perfect love has touched and transformed her and continues to. She is content with Him because she knows He is enough. How about you?
You can be an Esther, but can you also be content with being a Mary Magdalene?
“I have stretched out My hands all day long to a rebellious people, Who walk in a way that is not good, According to their own thoughts; A people who provoke Me to anger continually to My face…”
Isaiah 65:2-3 NKJV
The bible says God doesn’t change; He is steadfast, eternally the same. His character has always hated evil and loved good, and it always will. There are things we do that provoke Him to anger continually. Indeed, God loves us, but hates the sin we commit. To use, “He loves me,” as a defense or justification for not repenting of what He calls sin and what He hates, is to trample underfoot His sacrifice on the cross for your sins.
“For if we sin willfully after we have received the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a certain fearful expectation of judgment, and fiery indignation which will devour the adversaries. Anyone who has rejected Moses’ law dies without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. Of how much worse punishment, do you suppose, will he be thought worthy who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, counted the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified a common thing, and insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know Him who said, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. And again, “The LORD will judge His people.” It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.”
Hebrews 10:26-31 NKJV
I know way too many Millennial Christians who use the, “Jesus loves me,” tactic to fool themselves and feel okay about engaging in sin. They don’t want to humble themselves and repent: they want heaven, God’s acceptance, and their sin. But Christ is a sword-bearer who demands a sharp divide and says those who love the world make themselves His enemy. For us to think this holy God who hated sin so much He sent His Son to be brutally punished for it and die in order to cleanse those who would later choose to trust in Jesus and repent, is to create your own false version of God; a god of your own understanding that is cool with whatever you do and accepts you anyway; an unholy god, opposite to the one in the bible. If your god doesn’t care if you sin, then don’t call him Jesus. Don’t blaspheme and lie about the holy character of God and deceive others into following your false version because you’ll just be heaping up even more judgement for yourself in the end.
My prayer is that some, even just one person reading this will admit to themselves and God that they’ve been making excuses for their sin and creating their own god that makes them comfortable and not accountable to change. That you would realize that your god is fake and powerless and that you clinging to this false idol of Jesus will only harm you and others. Christ offers so many glorious things in exchange for our repentance: forgiveness, fellowship with Him, power to transform and help others change. He gives us power over demons, power over satan. But you give all that up when you choose to deny holiness and cling to your sins.
There is nothing more delightful than experiencing Jesus FOR REAL. Because getting emotional when you sing at church doesn’t mean you’ve experienced Him, and experiencing Him goes way beyond that and overflows into every area of your life. It is not mere feelings and emotional highs, it is undeniable evidence of Him transforming you, leading you, speaking to you, teaching you, answering you, helping you.
If you’re not experiencing increasing holiness and power over the sins in your life, if you’re not experiencing a greater desire for Jesus and His truth and a lesser and lesser desire and eventual hatred of sin, then you don’t have a real, surrendered, right relationship with Him. You are not His follower, you’re just His fan who visits Him at church, but doesn’t seek to obey Him. You’re not a child of God, you’re sorta religious. And what a tragedy, when Christ calls us to such a more meaningful and incredible life; to true life. You have no idea what you’re missing out on and that is why you’re holding onto the sins in your life rather than forsaking them and knowing following Jesus is SO much worthier and better for you and others.
It angers God and breaks His heart, and as someone who loves God and people, I’m telling you truthfully, He does not accept you if you continue to love sin. He just does not. This is not Natasha’s teaching, it’s the bible’s. And if you’re a professing Christian, you’re supposed to believe and seek to obey that book; not just listen to the parts that are nice and easy to accept; you don’t just accept as much of Jesus as you’re comfortable with, you let go and surrender all to Him and embrace everything He desires for you. And then your life will really begin.
I’ve been there as a wife, for the first year-and-a-half or so of my marriage, pursuing my own endeavors, my God-given dreams. Now, certainly, God had called me to be a writer, but I took that calling and exalted it above my marriage.
Sometimes, we wives do that: God has a calling on our lives, has gifted us, but in our zeal and lack of wisdom, we dash to make that calling a reality, rather than patiently wait for Him to make it a reality.
Those early endeavors of mine were hardly fruitful. I look at women who are twice my age or so, usually with kids out of the house already, and God is using their gifts in mighty ways. They typically have their own ministry and its bearing wonderful fruit for God’s kingdom, but again, they’re twice my age without little kids to care for. These women were likely faithful in what God gave them; their duties as a wife and mother, and put their ministry dreams on hold. I bet most, if not all of them didn’t even realize God was using their family to train and prepare them for their future ministries.
I came to a place where I said yes, I have these cool dreams I’d like to someday walk in for the Lord, like have my own Christian acting school, but I sure ain’t pursuing that now! I’m a wife and mommy first, and I know God wants me to be faithful in these ministries first and devote myself to them because these ministries are far more important than I can probably even fathom. As the bible says:
“The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish pulls it down with her hands.”-Proverbs 14:1 NKJV
Supporting my husband and working alongside him has borne delightful fruit and I actually enjoy it more than pursuing or doing my own thing, and I pray for as long as we both are alive, we are one team for Jesus, co-laboring for the gospel.
Lord, please help me to remember and grow in my understanding of how crucial my current roles are. Guard me from trying to speed up Your calling on my life, and help me to be faithful with what You’ve given me. Give me patience, and let me not forsake abiding in Your presence, for ultimately, with You there is fullness of joy. In Jesus’ name, amen.
“What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.
35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.” 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[p] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
In Genesis 3, Eve overstepped her role and took on her husband’s hat—the hat of leader—answering the serpent first, then deciding without seeking her husband’s opinion, to grab and eat the forbidden fruit, and then she provided that which was forbidden to him. She took on the role of protector and provider and this brought not only herself down, but her husband as well, for later on, he felt shameful, and God cursed them both. Eve’s decision also helped bring a wedge between her husband and his relationship with God.
We women have to remember that we were taken from man. And that very well may be the reason we sometimes—or often times—try to take the lead in our family, and step in front of and speak up before our husband does. We also want to protect and provide, but we must learn how to tame that desire, and make it secondary to our husband’s roles of protecting and providing. We provide the protection our husband has set; enforcing his spiritual and moral rules and seeking him to defend against spiritual attacks. I do believe in having your own prayer life of course, and covering your husband and family in prayer, but when we don’t include our Christian husband whenever we are attacked by Satan, we are doing our husband and ourselves a disservice, and likely even unintentionally belittling our men. We think we got this; we don’t need their spiritual support; we can fight the devil ourselves and stand firm on our own. We may not verbalize this, but our actions prove it to be so.
This desire to rule over ourselves and our husband is a curse that brings ruin to our marriage if not brought into submission to Jesus Christ. Being a strong-willed, determined woman myself, I know this kind of submission to our husband isn’t always easy, but may we rely evermore on the strength of the Lord within us to accomplish this feat, that our marriages and households may thrive and be blessed.
Much love, ladies.