I Like A Guy Who’s In A Relationship

I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, By the gazelles or by the does of the field, Do not stir up nor awaken love Until it pleases. (‭Song of Solomon‬ ‭2‬:‭7‬ NKJV


Note: She’s speaking to women.

I’ve known several sisters who have done exactly what this verse warns against. There’s a brother in Christ who catches their eye, they start crushing, but the guy never really pursues them. Some of these brothers were in relationships and eventually married the girls they were with, but until that day, these sisters were convinced that the brother was truly meant for them, and the girlfriend was a counterfeit. Whether she really was or not didn’t change their reality: the brother was not pursing them, and in the end, he never did. 
It is crucial to your faith to refrain from opening up your heart to a man before the right time. If he’s in a relationship, it isn’t the right time. If he’s not pursing you, it isn’t the right time. 

Sometimes, a sister thinks the guy is into her because he shows her attention. What I’ve found is that, often, girlfriends are good at being girlfriends, but not as friends. What I mean is, she’s faithful, committed, esteeming the man, being romantic, etc. but she’s not being a friend who just hangs out and has fun with him. So the man is seeking female friendship in a girl other than his girlfriend. He’s immature, she’s immature, and they haven’t yet realized friendship is lacking in their relationship. But that’s when the single sister thinks the guy likes her, when really, he just enjoys her friendship and is using her for the sake of his fun and enjoyment. He doesn’t want to be more than friends; he already has a girlfriend fulfilling that area of his life. 

The reality check is you are an attention quencher, a fun-filler, but you’re nothing more in his eyes. If you were, he would make himself available, be open about his motives, and pursue you. 

I understand this truth can hurt. This is why I exhort my precious sisters to not share deep friendships with a man. Keep it superficial and distant. When you get married, that deep friendship will have to get snipped anyway. Why do I say this? Because with women, adultery usually begins with emotional connection. A man is listening to her feelings when her husband isn’t. A man is making time for her when her husband isn’t. This quickly spirals into a physical relationship and now you are more than mere friends. 

You don’t want to be a home-wrecker either. What if that brother comes onto you while still in a relationship? What if he then leaves her for you? Do you think God will bless that ignoble way of entering a relationship? And if you were able to steal his affection, what makes you think another woman like you can’t come around later on and do the same thing, stealing him from you? 

You don’t want a man that is so easily swayed. You want a committed one. And that’s the irony of so many women who go after the married man because they find his commitment sexy. Guess what? He’s no longer a noble and committed man once he’s sinned with you! And neither is the unmarried man in a relationship. So BACK OFF. God doesn’t write messed up The Bachelor/Bachelorette stories (hence why those relationships always quickly end in divorce!). 

If God wants you married, He’ll work it out, but you must do your part, which isn’t meddling with other people’s boyfriends or husbands. It’s being pure. That is the greatest preparation for a husband: purity. Your eyes and heart are not set on someone they shouldn’t be, they’re set on Jesus. And as you keep them on Him, Jesus will allow a godly single brother to see you. He will pray and pursue, and you can trust him to protect your purity, as you will his. And that is a relationship God will bless. Trust me, I know from experience. 

Love you sisters,

Natasha

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